1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,639 {\an8}- Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged? - Oh! 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,320 {\an8}Oh, that's a casual ring. Totally casual. 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,119 - I mean, it's a wedding. - Oh! - It's exciting. 4 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,119 It's just... I don't want to be consumed by it. 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,719 - I hear you're writing a book. - Yeah. 6 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,079 - Monogamy in gibbons. - Oh. - I'm using a few examples from our own marriage. 7 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,959 Which examples might they be? 8 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,759 I was going to tell you about Levi, I just didn't know what it was yet. 9 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,559 It's gross! It's like we shared a genetic toothbrush. 10 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,599 - You're obsessed with me. - You're obsessed with me. 11 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,279 Maybe he's better off not being around me at the moment. 12 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,159 Don't use me for closure. 13 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:35,360 - Come and get it yourself. - Hi. 14 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:37,640 Hi. 15 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,760 ABE CLEARS THROAT 16 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:57,200 I'll go first. Um, Abe, I... 17 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,959 ...I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home 18 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,079 and for doubting your devotion to my best friend, 19 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:11,559 and... so, so, so sorry for fucking your son. 20 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,479 It's all on me. 21 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,040 I think that's real progress. 22 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,000 What do you guys think? 23 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,640 Shall we join them? 24 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,640 HE YELLS 25 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,560 BELLS CHIME 26 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,520 BELLS CHIME 27 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,959 Ty, what are you doing? 28 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,759 Cleansing the space. 29 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,080 Collecting all of your... 30 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,719 ...negative energy. 31 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,519 Oh. 32 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:25,039 Yeah, I'm sensing... paranoia, 33 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,879 trauma, deep-rooted shame. 34 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,359 Or perhaps that's Abe's energy 35 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,560 I'm picking up on, actually. 36 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,759 Do you think that's really necessary? 37 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,559 Oh, beyond necessary. 38 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,599 Freya, stranger danger is coming into our home 39 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,559 - to assess us. - Um, it's actually me 40 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,199 getting my needs assessed, 41 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,919 so I can claim funding for you, Ty. 42 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,240 That's what I said - all eyes are going to be on me. 43 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,240 BELLS CHIME 44 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,400 I doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge. 45 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,239 All feeling very crowded in here. 46 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,239 It's like someone's been adding things without me knowing. 47 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,319 Look, jam here, right behind mayo, 48 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,319 or should I say behind mayo's back? 49 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,799 Abe, stop. 50 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,840 Abe... Abe! 51 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,360 You have my attention. 52 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,519 I'm sorry if you feel like I was seeing Jo behind your back 53 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,840 and, yeah, I know my tits look incredible. 54 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,999 Well, first of all, that's not an apology. 55 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,399 And second, you lied. 56 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,479 - I didn't lie. I just wasn't telling the truth. - You lied! 57 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,559 - It's... it's akin to having an affair, Freya. - An affair?! 58 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,119 - Abe, she's my best friend! - I just don't understand 59 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,880 why you felt you couldn't tell me. 60 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,600 I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was lonely without her. 61 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,360 As your punishment... 62 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:07,039 - ...you can eat this pickle from 2016. - Er, question. 63 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,199 Have you ever been assessed before? 64 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,599 Oh, yeah. 65 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,759 They're super-lovely people, really. Back in Canada, 66 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,399 this woman visited me with a Pomeranian. 67 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,119 The whole thing was super chill. You're going to be great. 68 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,720 Thank you. 69 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,959 The time is 09:00 hours. We can begin. 70 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,519 Introduction. I answer to the name of Susan. 71 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,759 Never Sue. She doesn't exist. 72 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,519 {\an8}Why are you holding my hand? 73 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,959 {\an8}- I don't know. - My job, 74 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,679 as your disability assessor, 75 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,719 is to evaluate your care package 76 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,639 and assess everyday needs, 77 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,239 in a noninvasive, forensic manner. 78 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,959 This will allow me to calculate the hours which we will fund your PA 79 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,559 - to work with you. - Told you. 80 00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,839 I have one rule. 81 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,119 Never... make... assumptions. 82 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,439 One time, in the Army, my whole squadron did. 83 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,799 Everyone was killed except me. 84 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,079 Make of that what you will. 85 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,399 Questions? 86 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,199 Morning. Anyone for tea? 87 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,119 011:00 hours, we stop for tea 88 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,880 and a Boost. 89 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,319 - A bit more. - I feel like we're going 90 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,239 - far to the right here, Mum. - I feel like that is too far now. 91 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,319 - That's too far... - Because now it just looks... - I mean, it's you 92 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,839 and your book. There should be a sort of healthy, 93 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,799 respectable distance between them, 94 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,959 - I think. - Why? - You've got to get this right. - Why? 95 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,239 That's, um... Why is it a man in a cage, not a woman? 96 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,919 Ah. Now, that is a fascinating question, 97 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,799 - and I want you to ask yourself why you asked it. - OK. 98 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,079 Because men, of course, are equally constrained... 99 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,439 - And now I'm regretting asking it... - ...by societal... 100 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,159 And tell me that doesn't scream your dad, during his trench-coat phase. 101 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,119 - Oh, yeah, it does a bit, actually. - Yeah. 102 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,560 So what's it about? 103 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,119 Haven't you read it? 104 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,119 Oh, Bug, that's really hurtful! 105 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,919 - I sent you and your father the proofs weeks ago. - Yeah, but we just 106 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,999 presumed it was the same normal dry shit, but just really, really long. 107 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,839 No! It's popular science. 108 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,639 It's not for just 300 hyper-literate 109 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,159 mole people, wearing cardigans. It's... it's FOR you! 110 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,479 It's got a dramatic arc. 111 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,239 It's... it's got quirky facts. 112 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:25,599 Did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the shitter? 113 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,319 Did you know that male bonobos 114 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,479 like to fence using their penises? 115 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,079 - Hard or soft? - You see? I've got you. 116 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,639 That's it. Peaked your curiosity, and that's what it does. 117 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,799 It's just science, but with a little bit of juice. 118 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,519 Yeah, OK, so define "juice", because I'm just skimming 119 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,839 the first page here and I've already seen the phrase "unstable son". 120 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,319 I changed your name. 121 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,079 - Yeah, to Lee! You've dropped one syllable, Mum! - No, listen, 122 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,679 it's still behavioural ecology, but it's... it's a scientific study 123 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,399 of which animals mate for life and which animals prefer hookups, OK? 124 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,479 All I've done is I've spiced it up a bit 125 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,799 and I've added a few personal anecdotes for, 126 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,159 you know, to make me more relatable. 127 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,519 Yeah, but that's what worries me, because what if me and Dad find it 128 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,279 - a little bit too relatable? - Yeah, well, if a 500-page book 129 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,879 on gibbon sex is too relatable, 130 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,999 might I suggest it's not the gibbons that are the problem? 131 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,800 - Also, why didn't you tell me that Jo is stalking you? - What?! 132 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,399 Wh... Jesus Christ! 133 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,839 - - Do you want me to say something? 134 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,879 - No, no, no, don't get involved. - No, but I am already involved. 135 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,039 - She just looked at me. Look, she's doing it again. - Just don't wave! 136 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,399 Why don't you invite her to the book signing, OK? Boost my numbers. 137 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,999 Because I'd rather put my balls in a blender. OK, stay here 138 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,680 and I'll go. Just please, stay, please. 139 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,479 - Do you like to cook? - Love to cook. 140 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,959 Oh, my goodness. 141 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,399 I make a rather mean Spanish omelette, if I may say. 142 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,759 Got the recipe off some, er, monks, 143 00:07:55,760 --> 00:08:00,159 in my travels in Valencia... which is Spain. 144 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,679 Got some left over, if you'd like to try? 145 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,759 I don't do eggs. They stink. 146 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,679 - Oh. - I notice your legs don't fit under the cooker. 147 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,959 Inaccessible. 148 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,079 Noted. 149 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,599 Oh, that's fine, they don't really need to. 150 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,279 I mean, I do most of the cooking. 151 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,399 Happy to step in and be resident family chef. 152 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,479 Order! 153 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,199 - I don't know why I said that. - Well, actually, 154 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,999 without going all trad wife, 155 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,519 I would love to be able to cook for myself and my partner, 156 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,520 and I need a PA in order to do so. 157 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:38,039 Client would like to use PA 158 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,959 to woo partner with gastronomical persuasion. 159 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,639 - What? No. That's not... - Two more hours added. 160 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,839 Oh! 161 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,599 - Perfect. - What about laundry? Taking out the rubbish? 162 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,839 - Groceries? - Oh, well, my... - On it. Yeah. 163 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,439 If you want to check under there, you'll find it powder fresh. 164 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,879 I am on the bins once a day, min. 165 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,759 - Actually, Abe... - And while ironing is considered by some to be 166 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:05,119 - a bit of a gendered sport... - Abe! - Yes? - Sorry, 167 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,999 while Abe is very happy to help, 168 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:13,279 I have my PA to be able to help with household tasks 169 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,679 - and anything else that I need, including laundry. - Yeah. 170 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,839 Oh, sure. Yeah, no, but it's just much easier for me 171 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,599 - just to step in and, er... - And it's important 172 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:25,039 that I share these tasks with my partner, 173 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,360 and I do so by having a PA. 174 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,639 Right. 175 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,799 Got it. 176 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,519 No, absolutely, sorry, it is all very equal. 177 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:42,399 All balanced, all equal and, er, this one - oh-ho-ho! 178 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,639 - Yeah. - Oh. 179 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,519 Um, I think I'm just going to leave you to it. 180 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,879 - Great idea. - Yeah. - Yeah. 181 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,599 - Thanks. Thanks, love. - Bye. 182 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,520 Right. Up next, toileting. 183 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,119 Oh, hi. Er, I didn't see you there. 184 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,239 Right. OK, well, I could feel you eye-fucking me 185 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,679 from about five feet away. 186 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,719 No. I was fully engrossed in this, um, 187 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,960 erm... seminal piece of literature, so... 188 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,359 Can I please just ask you what you're doing here? 189 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,839 - Well, I tried calling... - Yes, and I thought maybe eight ignored calls 190 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,759 would probably send quite a clear message. So if you don't mind, 191 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,319 I'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife crisis, 192 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,239 so it'd be great if you could just... 193 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,679 - Mum, what are you doing? - So, the wanderer returns! 194 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,280 - Hey! - Don't worry, I've tried ghosting him too. Never works. 195 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,879 Um, congrats on the... on the book. I mean, 196 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,639 it's got Abe in a cage on the cover. 197 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,399 So, what shall I...? How do you want it? 198 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,639 - Oh, you don't have to do that. - To Jo, or...? 199 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,760 Yeah, no, Jo's... Jo's great. 200 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,039 Thank you, that's... 201 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,479 Payment is at the till. 202 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,639 So, Bug, my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians 203 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,999 for some kind of highbrow hors d'oeuvres. 204 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,159 - Would you mind finishing the display? - Sure. That sounds like 205 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,959 a made-up event, but, yeah, go hang out with your BIG lesbians. 206 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,119 - Jo, would you mind helping Levi? - What? No, that won't be necessary. 207 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,960 - No, I'd be delighted. Thank you. - Great. 208 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,599 Huh! 209 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,880 Spicy! 210 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,559 Break complete. 211 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,919 So, obviously, I need help 212 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,000 getting dressed and undressed. 213 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,239 I can do that faster. 214 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,400 - I'll try again. - Oh, God. 215 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,680 I can also do a bouncy blow. 216 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,719 Lacquered bamboo. 217 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,679 2cm. 21 x 71. 218 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,039 Now we bend at the knee, 219 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,879 back straight, core engaged. 220 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,079 Chest... 221 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,480 - Deep breaths, Ty. - Yeah. 222 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,320 - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 223 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,880 - Thanks. - Stick, yeah, just get... 224 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,159 OK. Question 29. 225 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,199 Do you need support during copulation? 226 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:57,079 Sorry, is that really necessary to know? 227 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,359 Depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need. 228 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,519 Some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted, 229 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,479 but, er, as you can see, 230 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,399 I tend to challenge the status quo. 231 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,239 Er, well, yeah, yeah, it's definitely a vital need for me. 232 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,479 OK, and question 30. 233 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,159 How does copulation occur? 234 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,079 Er... Well, mainly from behind. 235 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,399 I meant do you need PA support? 236 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,399 Oh. Um... 237 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,519 Happy to help. 238 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:27,279 Yeah, I mean, they're a very... handsome couple. 239 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,359 So, all hands on deck if... if... 240 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,119 I just need Ty kind of before the act. 241 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,919 - Yeah. - To prepare for the copulation? 242 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,079 Er... And af... and after. 243 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,399 Yeah. 244 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,599 - What happens after the copulation? - Er, well, 245 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,999 I normally pop in after I hear Abe snoring. 246 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,519 It's often worth cracking a window. 247 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,239 Informative. 248 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,759 OK. Section Five. Mobility. 249 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,480 Er, can you open this drawer? 250 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,040 People say everyone has a book inside of them. 251 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,679 What do you think mine would be? 252 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,159 I know you think it's really amusing to come here today, 253 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,439 but I'm actually not doing this, Jo. 254 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,599 OK. Yours would be The Chronicles of a Man Child. 255 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,359 Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? 256 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,639 You just, like, disappear without a trace and then, suddenly, 257 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,519 I find out you're hanging out with Freya? 258 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,720 OK. I don't know what to tell you. 259 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,999 I'm sorry for being a massive asshole. 260 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,039 Size is irrelevant when it comes to being an arsehole. 261 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,039 OK, look, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do or say, 262 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,879 - so then I just, like... - I don't care any more, Jo, I'm not interested. 263 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,560 - Excuse me. Sorry. - OK, but I haven't had a chance to tell you... 264 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,519 - Tell me what? - Huh? 265 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:57,200 - Excuse me. - Sorry. - I haven't had a chance to... 266 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,159 - ...tell you... - Huh? 267 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,799 Sorry, guys. 268 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,119 Excuse me. 269 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,440 Clearly, nothing of importance. Great chat, Jo. See you never. 270 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,880 - And how often do you use the stairs? - Seriously? 271 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,079 No, I mean, obviously, never. You've seen my notes. 272 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,839 Yeah, it's just Abe's man cave up there. 273 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,839 Downstairs is where the party's at! 274 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,079 Have you walked much this year? 275 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,799 What?! 276 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,999 No. Still not walking, 277 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,359 - so obviously, no. - She's just rollin' through life 278 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,599 - like a champ, aren't you, girl? Ha-ha! - Any dementia? 279 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,840 No. 280 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,119 - Advanced Alzheimer's? - No. 281 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,999 Are you nonverbal autistic? 282 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,599 I mean, clearly not! 283 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,639 So, no serious cognitive disabilities? 284 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,679 What the hell?! I mean, we've been talking for the last four hours. 285 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,479 - Is that a no? - Yes, it's a no! 286 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,760 See, that's actually quite unclear. 287 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:00,960 No. 288 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,520 OK. 289 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,639 13:00 hours. Assessment ends. 290 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,239 I cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment, but my recommendation 291 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,759 is that the number of hours you claim for your PA remain the same. 292 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,320 SHE GASPS 293 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,759 SHE SOBS Sorry. They're happy tears. 294 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,039 Can I have a private word? 295 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,639 Yeah, absolutely. 296 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:26,840 With Freya. 297 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,120 Is that an engagement ring? 298 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,199 Let me guess, 299 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,479 you're not a fan of love? 300 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,399 Not when it means you lose half your funding. 301 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,639 Sorry, what?! 302 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,440 If you're married, the law sees Abe as someone to aid you. 303 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,199 I don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that 304 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,039 I navigate my life with a PA. 305 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,919 I mean, my needs are still 306 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,519 - going to be the same... - Unless your husband dies, 307 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,039 in which case, we would re-evaluate the situation. 308 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,759 But as your husband-to-be isn't currently dead, 309 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,719 he is considered your primary caregiver. 310 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,000 - I-I-I hate all of this. - Permission to speak freely? 311 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,440 Permission granted. 312 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,759 Look, it's clear you're very capable, but this house, 313 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,679 this situation, it disables you. 314 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,879 - What does that mean? - It means you might want to find 315 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:24,120 somewhere else to live, and think about putting your autonomy first. 316 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,359 I was in love once. 317 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,119 Didn't end so well. 318 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,839 - I'm so sorry. - Yeah. 319 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,839 It turned out she didn't feel the same. 320 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,960 There were restraining orders. It got messy. 321 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,360 I'll see myself out. 322 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,840 DOOR CLOSES 323 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,160 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 324 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,879 -Hey. - Oh, hey, motherfucker! 325 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,599 - I really need to talk to you. - Oh, snap. 326 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:02,960 Um, where are you? 327 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,359 I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do! 328 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:10,079 I'm obviously not going to cancel the wedding, 329 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,519 but you know how Abe feels about the house. 330 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,999 - He's never going to sell. - Yeah, I mean, his repressed 331 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,080 British sadness seeps through the brickwork. 332 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,039 - Not helpful. - Look, I mean, maybe finding somewhere new 333 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,759 isn't the worst idea. Don't all newlyweds buy, renovate 334 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,159 and then divorce? 335 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,880 - Hmm? - Maybe. 336 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,799 Sorry, I haven't even asked how you are. 337 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,119 Er, no, it's fine. Let's just keep on unravelling 338 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:36,559 - your domestic neurosis. That is way more fun. - Wait a sec. 339 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,040 - You're avoiding saying something vulnerable. - No! 340 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,240 Oh, it's about Levi! 341 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,919 - You want to get back together with him. - Oh, I hate it when you do that! 342 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,679 - Oh, fuck, Jo. - OK, look, I know. 343 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,519 I don't want it to be a thing, but it kind of is a thing 344 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,359 and, like, I don't know, it's kind of gross, 345 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,199 but we sort of fit, in a fucked-up way. 346 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,639 - Urgh! - Have you talked to him about this? 347 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,439 I have tried. 348 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,639 OK, look, as disgusting as 349 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,039 - I find it... - Ha! - ...if you're going to betray me... 350 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,959 - Mm. - ...at least you're doing it with meaning and my consent. 351 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,719 But you really need to talk to him. 352 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,919 Or we could just get shit-faced! 353 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,599 - Fuck, yeah! - Yeah! 354 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,079 - But you have to come with me tonight. - No. 355 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,039 Hey, boy. 356 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,319 Hey. 357 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:30,719 Oh. 358 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:35,079 - So, any nerves about the big day? - No. 359 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,919 - Second time around, you don't really sweat the small stuff. - What? 360 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,639 - No, I mean, Mum's book launch. - Oh! 361 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,039 Oh, no, no, not at all. No, happy for her. Look at this. 362 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:49,279 - She's gone from niche academia to writing a big proper book. - Yeah. 363 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:54,879 Even if said book really draws from her own life experiences? 364 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,119 ABE CHUCKLES No. 365 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,759 I think after all these years, there's nothing your mother 366 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,119 could say that would surprise me. 367 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,800 When I was married, I had an affair... 368 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,279 ...with the neighbour next door. 369 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,559 We met on Saturday mornings, in his shed. 370 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:15,759 It wasn't romantic, or glamorous, it was animal. 371 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,439 Instinctive. 372 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,879 Hungry. 373 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:23,039 Sometimes, if my husband was out and the kids were asleep, 374 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,439 I'd slip out the back door. 375 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,839 We'd meet around the side of the house. 376 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,719 Didn't always make it to the shed. 377 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,599 My buttocks would bleed on the brickwork, 378 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,280 I'd bite my fist to keep from crying out. 379 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,359 This went on for years. 380 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,879 Humans are animals and monogamy is the exception, 381 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,359 not the rule, in the animal kingdom. 382 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,159 Lions form harems. 383 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,599 Dolphins are bisexual and have many, many partners. 384 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,399 Some species, sure, 385 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,159 are socially monogamous to rear offspring, 386 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,239 like gibbons, 387 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:04,280 grey wolves, dik-diks and seahorses. 388 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,280 And albatross. 389 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,319 And termites. 390 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,599 Marriage wasn't made for love, 391 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,079 it was made for power and control. 392 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,879 The moment a woman says "I do", 393 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,399 she enters a story she didn't write. 394 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,279 The ring may be gold 395 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,639 and the cage invisible, 396 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,599 but it is definitely there, 397 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,799 and it is made of steel. 398 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,639 - Excuse me. - So this may be a warning... 399 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,759 - Sorry, excuse me. - ...a message of hope. 400 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,159 Excuse me... 401 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,440 Oh! 402 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,840 Oh! 403 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,439 - So embarrassing! - It's fine. 404 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,959 It's so far from being fine! What if Jane's right? 405 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,639 What, that we're all poly super-sluts 406 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,399 and so are dolphins? Obviously! 407 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,439 No, that I could lose all my funding and be caged with a man 408 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,959 and be dependent on him, which is 409 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,799 really dangerous in the animal kingdom. 410 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,959 OK, Freya, what do you want to do, huh? 411 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,159 You want to move out? You want to call off the wedding? 412 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,399 Cos frankly, I'm getting a little tired of your excuses 413 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,120 as to why you don't want to get married. 414 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,439 And I wish you all the best with the polyamory. 415 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,840 - Thank you. - I hope it goes well. - Bye. 416 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,679 What... was that? 417 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,999 Was it an interrupted reading of my book? 418 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,199 You... you... you wanted to do this here? 419 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,799 I had to find that out in public? 420 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,119 - Who are you?! - Oh! 421 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:35,639 - Was it Compost Colin? - OK, so, I told you to read it 422 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,639 and I told you to read it all the way through. I'm guessing 423 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,999 you didn't. Why was that? The very next paragraph says 424 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,999 I didn't go through with it. It was just an affair of the mind! 425 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,279 - Of the mind?! - Yes! It was... 426 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,759 It was a fantasy. 427 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,919 That was the whole... Don't look at me like that, everybody does it. 428 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,639 - So you didn't actually...? - No. 429 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,639 Oh, Jesus, Jane! 430 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:54,959 I mean, maybe start with that! 431 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:59,039 No, because my publicist said that the scandal bit was the hook, 432 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,440 and she was right. Look, it's working. 433 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,919 Jane, this... this is a distorted, 434 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,719 unfair, wholly biased version of anything you and I 435 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,759 ever had together. And Colin was, like, 5'4", for fuck's sake! 436 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,439 - Used to wear those stupid little loafers. - I'm 5'4", 437 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,599 and I wear stupid loafers. I'm sorry you find it so threatening. 438 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:28,959 Used to call him Tassel Toes. 439 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,359 Well, that's not what I used to call him, in my mind. 440 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,359 - Gross. - Listen, Abe, this is YOUR shit. 441 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,359 I sent you the PDFs and I changed the names. 442 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,399 So, do you want me to sign this? 443 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:40,720 Who shall I sign it to? 444 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,759 - Well, Gabe! - Yeah, OK. 445 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,279 You literally changed one letter! 446 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,040 "To Gabe, fuck off! 447 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:53,079 "Jane." You know, I do have deep respect for these very complicated 448 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,519 emotions you're having around my book, but if you'll see that 449 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,519 there is actually an exceptionally long line of people 450 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,880 who are interested in reading it, so... 451 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:04,080 - You're a very rude person. - Don't give a shit. 452 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,240 That must have been hard. 453 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:16,160 Oh, yeah. I'm not sure I'm ever going to really get hard again. 454 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,879 Hey, er, Levi, I, um... 455 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,279 I'm so sorry I'm so shit at expressing myself. 456 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,679 I do feel that, like, after six glasses of 457 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,199 champagne, it might be easier, so... 458 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,159 I miss you, I thought about you all the time, 459 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,919 and I just didn't know what to do. 460 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:39,199 And so, yeah, there you go. I...I said it, so, yeah. 461 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,839 OK. Um, well, um, that's very nice to hear, Jo. Thank you. 462 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,679 - Do you think that, like, we could spend some time...? - Um, what I... 463 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,319 What I think is that, er, you make me feel like shit, 464 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,559 and it's not good for me, you know? 465 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,599 Um, and that means, therefore, you're not good for me. 466 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,839 And, um, because of that, I think it's probably best that we just, 467 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,240 er, we just see each other around. 468 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,440 So, um... it's been fun. 469 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,800 Hey! 470 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,039 The twat had his light on. 471 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:25,319 He just drove straight past, the... ableist bastard! 472 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,799 I need to talk to you about something. 473 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,359 Well, yeah, don't worry about knocking over the book display. 474 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,880 It was a welcome distraction, if anything. 475 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,319 Abe, that must have been so difficult for you... 476 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,720 Hmm. 477 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,880 ...but honestly, fuck it! 478 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,839 Yeah. Fuck it. 479 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,599 Fuck it. 480 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:51,999 - Fuck it. - OK, Abe... 481 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,679 - Fuck it. - Abe, you're glitching. - F... 482 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,040 There's something else I need to talk to you about. 483 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,440 What's up? 484 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,720 I'm serious, Jo, I can't do this. 485 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,119 Having my funding taken away is one thing, 486 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,199 but becoming reliant on you 487 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,319 for everything, 488 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,319 I mean, I...I don't want that 489 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,319 for either of us, do you? 490 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:49,999 It isn't ideal... 491 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,440 - No shit! - ...but we will figure it out. 492 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,800 I mean, that's what we do, right? 493 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,839 So, um, what's the solution? 494 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:06,319 I don't have a solution right this second... 495 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,400 - Great. - ...but I love you... 496 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,200 ...and you know I'll do anything to make you happy. 497 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,239 Anything? 498 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:18,480 Mm-hm. 499 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,440 I need you to sell the house. 500 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,480 I don't think I can do that.